Ursula-andthe-Dude

LA TERREUR DE VIVRE

Mardi 17 septembre 2013 à 23:39


http://ursula-andthe-dude.cowblog.fr/images/mannphoto001.jpg
Je découvrais aussi qu’au final je décrivais notre histoire avec la même banalité que celle de notre rupture. J’ai fini ma clope, j’ai avalé mon café froid avec une grimace, j’ai payé et je suis parti les mains dans les poches, l’air morne, sans but: j’avais l’impression de me remettre à fonctionner comme le jeune adulte à la fois lourdaud et péteux que j’étais en rentrant à la fac. J’ai gratté ma barbe de trois jours en baillant pendant que je marchais en jouant avec mes clés dans ma poche.
Comme pour sublimer l’absurdité de ma situation, je me suis assis sur le banc de la voisine du 6ème pour regarder les pigeons picorer les dernières miettes du pain qu’elle leur avait émietté dans la matinée et, entre deux comparaisons entre ma vie et celle du pigeon boiteux qui lorgnait sur ma chaussure en se demandant s’il y avait encore trois miettes cachées et surtout s’il fallait aller les chercher, j’ai repensé à tous ces potes que j’avais récupérés après une rupture dite « difficile ». Il y a les murges post-rupture, les soirées qui auraient pu faire les trois pages reportage de BIBA avec le titre « Ces hommes qui assument leur part de féminité » pendant lesquelles on bouffe tout ce qui peut exister de gras et de réconfortant en criant « TOUTES DES SALOPES » entre deux rots de bières ou deux éclats de rire ivre et en écoutant l’unique fille qu’on accepte dans le cercle déblatérer ces généralités réconfortantes sur le couple ou « la Femme », les weekends où le dit pote perd toute dignité en slip dans mon canapé ou encore les moments beaucoup plus « matures » où  il m’explique avec philosophie entre deux taffs et deux pintes que « c’est la vie et qu’il faut l’accepter. » et qui finissent toujours en murge post-rupture.
Même si je n’arrivais pas à me décider entre BIBA et l’agreeg de philo, ce qui me préoccupait le plus pour le moment c’était ce que ces mecs avaient bien pu faire et surtout ressentir entre le « tout est fini » et le vomi sur mon lino, ce moment monstrueux de solitude dans lequel je pataugeais allégrement là, tout de suite, et franchement je ne voyais rien d’autre que ce banc, l’air torve de ce pigeon et mes mains dans mes poches. Peut-être que je devais pleurer, que je devais sentir mon cœur explosé mais ça ne venait toujours pas. Je repensais à mon collègue Jean qui avait chialé à longueur de journée pendant trois mois après sa rupture avec la comptable du deuxième et surtout au sentiment de malaise que j’avais eu pendant tout ce temps : ça avait été comme si je regardais ce qui m’attendait si je me faisais planté par Carolina. La morve, les yeux rougis, les cernes jusqu’aux chevilles, tout ça m’avait parlé, m’avait touché comme une maladie que je voulais jamais avoir mais maintenant que je l’avais attrapé, je ne ressentais rien d’autre que le vide, comme un gouffre au fond de mon ventre qui aspirait tout mon être par suçions lentes, douloureuses, nauséeuses.
Pour me réconforter, j’ai appelé ma super copine qui sortait de psycho pour écouter que j’étais dans le déni et que le vide était ma souffrance parce que oui, je voulais croire qu’il y avait une souffrance, que merde j’étais pas un connard désabusé, encore moins un héro de telenovelas dur et sans cœur ou « le mec détaché » dans la rubrique «On a décortiqué les hommes rien que pour vous ! » dans ce BIBA décidemment spécial Hommes : couples et ruptures. Répondeur. Un répondeur de psy : la voix douce, calme, incroyablement rassurante. J’ai laissé un message de patient qui débute : embrouillé, hésitant, bourré de blancs et de « euh », je crois que j’ai même donné mon nom de famille et j’ai conclu par le légendaire: « De toute manière je vais te laisser un texto que tu liras avant d’entendre ce message. ». J’ai raccroché, j’ai envoyé un texto sommaire expliquant la situation et j’ai remis mes mains dans mes poches. 
J’ai hésité à parler au pote du pigeon boiteux qui avait fini par s’envoler parce que j’avais vu dans plein de films que lorsqu’il est désespéré, le héros parle toujours à un interlocuteur absurde type flingue, paire de fesses, photo ou chat. Moi je n’avais que ce pigeon sale dont les yeux vitreux rendaient un bien bel hommage à l’intelligence de son espèce. Sans avoir l’impression de prendre des postures affectées, je sentais bien que je cherchais dans tous les modèles sociaux que pouvaient véhiculer les films que j’avais vu, les bouquins que j’avais lu ou les gens que j’avais pu observé et écouté, les pensées, les mots et l’attitude adéquate dans cette situation. Je m’étais déjà fait largué une ou deux fois avant Carolina et rétrospectivement je me rendais même compte que c’était toujours moi qui s’était fait largué mais jusque là ça avait été des histoire sans importances, des amourettes de vacances ou des relations qui se finissaient d’elle-même parce qu’elle déménageait, parce qu’on avait plus le même groupe de rock préféré, parce qu’au final jusque là, j’avais jamais été vraiment amoureux et on ne m’avait sûrement jamais vraiment aimé. Après toutes ces histoires foirées, j’avais écouté Nirvana pendant deux heures en buvant des bières et en disant que la vie c’est de la merde avant de retourner en cours le lendemain pour pouffer en jouant à des jeux hautement intellectuels comme on en a tous eu au collège du genre « chatbite », qui tape le plus fort ou placer le mot rectum dans une question qu’on pose au prof. Et si je ne pouvais pas nier que ce vide était venu à chaque fois, je ne pouvais pas non plus dire qu’aujourd’hui il était là pour les mêmes raisons ni qu’il n’imposait pas sa présence de façon beaucoup plus pesante.
Avant, ça faisait juste chié d’être célibataire. Maintenant ça faisait même plus chié, ça faisait rien du tout. Je savais que je ne réalisais pas encore tout à fait et qu’à la seconde où j’arrêterais de regarder les pigeons, les graviers et les jupes des filles pour rentrer à l’appart je me ferai aspirer tout entier par ce grand vide et que j’aurai sûrement un peu envie de crever, quand même, pour une raison totalement absurde que je ne distinguais même pas mais lorsque je me projetais dans un avenir plus ou moins proche, je n’avais pas peur, je ne sentais pas mes jambes se transformer en papier mâché ni mes intestins se liquéfier comme j’aurai du et comme je l’avais toujours cru. Je me voyais juste continuer ma même vie monotone qui me rendait étonnement heureux mais tout seul.

 

Salut, je brade du fantasme

Vendez moi du rêve.

Par joris le Samedi 21 septembre 2013 à 21:28
il ne faut jamais tenter d'aventure avec la comptable qui traite tes notes de frais, c'est mauvais pour le karma.
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